


i have known you (like fire knows the burn)

by icedmachinery, icemachine



Category: Doom Patrol (TV)
Genre: Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Religious Guilt, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 11:22:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21117971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedmachinery/pseuds/icedmachinery, https://archiveofourown.org/users/icemachine/pseuds/icemachine
Summary: It’s beautiful, Larry thinks and then whatever the hell it is grabs onto the agent, moves through the ceiling, the agentfallsthey all fall, like angels, like the main lesson of God’s wrath but there is no God here, in these walls Larry deserves everything.





	i have known you (like fire knows the burn)

_ It’s beautiful,  _ Larry thinks and then whatever the  **hell ** it is grabs onto the agent, moves through the ceiling, the agent

f

a

l

l

s

they all fall, like angels, like the main lesson of God’s wrath but there is no God here, in these walls Larry deserves eve ry thing, every rush of pain, every strip and cell of the torture - the torture as a person, the torture as a blue sparking being emerging from his body - later he will know the truth, but for now - for now he is in  **h e l l ** and it is a deserved  **h e l l, ** it is his unholy punishment for loving and unloving and everything he has ever touched has wilted -

“That, Captain Trainor, is what’s really inside you. That is who you really are.”

It continues its slaughter of the agents. He’s surrounded by dead bodies; this is his fault, that is his true self and every shred of the shredding concept of love fades away like holiness & then Larry is just strapped down next to dead bodies and there is something inside of him that is not beautiful not beautiful nothing about him is beautiful there is something  _ in _

_ side _

_ of _

_ him  _ that has a mind of its own and its mind is wicked and sinful in the same fragment as Larry’s wickedness and sin. Larry has never been in control. If he was in control, he could have stopped himself, he could have  **fixed ** the broken parts, mechanic - mechanic - mechanic - and made himself better, made himself love in the right way and be loved in the right way. Control - “control” - is this sparking demon, is like: falling from heaven like an agent or an angel or a mixture of the concepts - good and evil - control has been ripped from in-between his fingers like John Bowers’ hands and now. Now. N o w Larry deserves it. Larry has always deserved suffering and falling, and n o w he is getting what he deserves, prays, amen.

Amen. Amen. He does not believe in God now - he betrayed God so long ago - but prays anyway. Not for a savior. There are no saviors. Instead he . Instead, he. Instead, he: prays that he is the next victim. Of this thing, this vicious inhuman presence within him. 

Later there will be a song that talks about the world being on fire & Larry lives in that world. Lives. In the fire. In the world that brings fire against him like a lover’s skin and his skin can never

ever

ever

ever

ever

ever

be touched, now, he can never be touched &  _ part of him thinks: my father cannot hurt me now &  _ part of him thinks  _ but I deserved that too  _ & part of him thinks:  _ come and torture me again so I don’t _

_ can’t _

_ won’t _

_ think about him. Him being John. Him being Gerald Trainor. It’s the same. It’s always the same. The same hands in different ways. _

The video flickers off Larry tries to say something wishes he could cry but that was stolen by the fire the fire the fire the fire Larry tries to say something wishes

“Now, let’s try this again,” says Forsythe. “That stunt you pulled was not appreciated. There are consequences in this world, Larry.”

“That wasn’t me. That couldn’t have been me.”

“Why not?” The suits enter his room and they have the extraction of pain in a rod and god God god God god God god God he didn’t want this he takes it back he takes it all

back, he 

“We both know what you are capable of.”

is the last thing he hears.

( Amen .)

  
  


///

The prisoner in the cell next to him begs him for escape escape escape  _ please Larry do something good for once do something be something be a hero  _ but Larry  knows  that there is no hope here. He cannot pull the cords off of the man’s arm. Instead he: deserves. This, and the lack of hope. Hope. He has never known hope, even before - the accident - the capture - what he deserves. 

HE TRIES TO TALK TO IT.

Not out loud; the agents would hear him, the others would hear him, and think the burning truth of Larry’s unrelenting weakness. But he tries to talk to it. In his mind. 

_ You can’t be me. You’re not me.  _

_ You are light. I thought you were beautiful. For one second, until I saw you kill those people. I wouldn’t - I couldn’t - I don’t - you’re not me. I thought you were beautiful. I’ve never known anything beautiful. _

_ I know what I’m capable of. _

_ I know. _

_ I could. I could kill someone if I wanted to. I’m already reprehensible, already sinful. It wouldn’t make a difference. _

& like a heavenly miracle like light like

beauty

,

his chest begins to glow 

.

It’s terrifying - Larry has never been this afraid, has never been - has never - has never felt this kind of fear  _ oh he knows fear and fear looks like kissing a man but this is - a different fear - a collapsing fear - _

** _So you can hear me._ **

The glowing stops. Flickers out and comes back in, the light in Larry’s mind - the image of what heaven would look like.

_ Whatever you are… I don’t care. I want you out. Leave me alone. Please just leave me  _

  
  


_ the _

  
  


_ fuck _

  
  


_ alone. _

_ … _

_ … _

_ … _

_ … _

_ I’m begging you. You should’ve let it happen. _

It stops again and does not come back. 

///

The door to his cell opens and another agent in a suit enters. Cuffs him. Takes him outside. He doesn’t know what’s going on, but he doesn’t care; instead he prepares himself for more torture more pain more loneliness more more more more deserving & instead he is stopped in front of a man in a wheelchair, who is smiling at him in pity - or hatred - or illness - or -

“Captain Larry Trainor.”

“Who are you?”

“My name is Niles Caulder. You’re coming with me.”

He doesn’t move so the agent pushes him & pushes him & violates him violates  _ him  _ until he starts moving & “Niles Caulder” doesn’t stop smiling even as he is violated - later he will look back on this and realize, but for now - - - - - -

“I have a room for you.”

///

For the first few months, he still expects to be tortured. Expects Forsythe to come out of Niles’ lab and take him again - back - back to deserving & he dreams about it, too, nightmares encroaching his mind. At first they are Forsythe; eventually they are John; even later Sheryl. He can never escape; he escaped the ANT Farm, but he can never escape himself.

Larry Trainor is a sickening being, a disgusting mixture of desire and desire and disgraceful sickness & it’s  _ killing him,  _ it should have killed him, he should have died in that plane crash months (sixty years?) ago (he should have) but whatever is inside him (the spirit) kept him alive. 

Larry Trainor walked out of a fire & said  _ I am the fire, I am I am I am I am everything burning everything that has burned and everything that will ever burn _

_ and _

_ and _

_ and _

_ and _

_ I am the sky and the plane and the vastness of stars and the comfort of escaping  _

_ and  _

_ and _

_ and _

_ and _

_ I am the _

He stares at his charred scarskin in his own mirror. It’s been so long since he’s seen himself - his body disgusting, his body a reflection of his mind. This time he tries to talk to it out loud;

“We’re out now. We’re safe.”

He doesn’t know why it sounds comforting & he doesn’t think of himself as comforting  _ especially not to  _ this horrifying being of light and destruction within him but

his voice remains soft and he is the fire and fire can be soft sometimes he thinks but even the tamest spark can still destroy &

_ Larry thought it was beautiful. _

Once upon a time.

Once upon a time, there was a pilot, and that pilot was a weak, disintegrating man, this is how every story goes, is it not? A weakness, and a beautiful prince that saves the day. The prince here is not beautiful and does not love him. The prince in this story is not a prince, is instead the monster of the narrative, and so is the weak man. The being that is supposed to be the prince saves the day in the end. It does love a fight. Larry’s hands glow and sparkle at night & this is the only beautiful aspect of the world - No. There is no beauty here. If there was, he would not be confined. He gets out of confinement just to be confined to bandages & dreams of t o r t u r e (John Bowers he was your mechanic, is his future, yes I know who he is I just don’t feel like talking about him) (torture like fire) (torture like knowing there is something inside of you so alien so inhuman that it can kill without remorse and maybe

Larry thinks,

maybe it was trying to protect him—

for a moment, he thinks—

No. He is not worth protection.)

(He thought it was beautiful.)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this after eating a special brownie, you can really tell
> 
> might add to this later
> 
> title from snow knows white by mariee sioux


End file.
